Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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