I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
