Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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