Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
