you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
