You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
420 ftw
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
