wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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