Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
