I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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