So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
