Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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