I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
