Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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