i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
