So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize