never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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