FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
