I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
