Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
