If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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