This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
