dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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