I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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