Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
