It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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