I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
