i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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