my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He passed out mid-signature
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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