i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize