How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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