Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
