i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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