saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
