dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
