The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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