my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
