i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize