Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't put those talents on a resume
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
