I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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