they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
