coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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