oh god the rape fog is back!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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