I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
