I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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