Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
