you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
