I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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