Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
