Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
