I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
