okay pat passed out under dana's car
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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