If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
