just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you would pick up someone in the library
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
