She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize