I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
