You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize