our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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