I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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