I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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