i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
