I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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